. : love interests : .

Where are all the girls who have an interest in sex but aren't total sluts?

2009-10-14T22:35:00.010+09:00

I know that this observation is probably due mostly to my relatively limited experience, but at this point I'm too lazy and inconsiderate to be politically correct.

It frustrates me to no end that there seem to be two major types of women in this culture: The ones who've been wrangled by there mothers for the majority of their upbringing and are therefore prim and proper ladies—with the sexual maturity/imagination of 13 year olds—who pursue careers, travel and bring a lot more to a relationship as a result. The flip-side are those who've abandoned their uptight mother-endorsed persona because maybe they were blessed with big tits at an early age and realized how far their body could take them, leaving them with the intelligence and maturity of a 13 year old.

I know I'm generalizing here quite a bit, but is it too much to ask for a girl who isn't a complete idiot who also hasn't dismissed sex as being unfitting? How the fuck is anyone supposed to have a successful relationship when men and women are brought up to be even more different than they already are thanks to severe gender role distinctions.

It's ok for a man to have this interest in sex but not for a woman. Well, what then happens when they get together?

Dr Gabrielle Hoff

2009-07-13T14:29:00.008+09:00

This past Saturday, Dr Gabrielle Hoff was a guest on the Sex With Emily radio talk show. She was talking about introducing "erotic powerplay" into your relationship, among other things. This wasn't the first time I had heard about Dr Hoff, but after hearing the podcast I decided to take a look at her website and found it to be quite informative and interesting. She has video podcasts in which she discusses BDSM play and fetish in the context of relationships. She has a way of making these topics feel very approachable and friendly, so if you're interested in broadening your sexual repertoire but are not sure where to start or if you want to get over an irrational fear of vacuum beds and people who wear leather hoods for fun, I would recommend her videos.

Update: No time to update

2009-07-07T00:42:00.014+09:00

Hi.

A lot going on right now. Haven't had much time to do anything recently.

Read an interesting article on newscentist recently (errrr...3 weeks ago), discussing the likelihood of sexuals—those of us who reproduce by meeting for coffee errrr I mean by having sexual intercourse or exchanging genetic material by some method—being driven to extinction by people with the ability to reproduce through cloning, and it got me thinking about how different our culture would be if we weren't all on a perpetual quest to get laid. How much our world would change.

Think about it. I don't have time.

[Air] Sex in Japan

2009-05-27T12:06:00.008+09:00

I like the reaction from the women:

"It was disgusting. They haven't a clue what women want."

lol

Marriage Hunting Bra

2009-05-17T19:27:00.021+09:00

I'm not sure what to make of this. Obviously it's making a lot of people point and laugh at Japan for creating something so ridiculous, but it's also important to note that this is not a product being sold to the public. It was created for an event.

I'd like to believe that this was an attempt to make a statement about the overly marriage-centric culture in Japan that seems to permeate the notion that if you're a woman and you're not married by age 30 then something is wrong with you—like, you have a career—but I have my doubts.

Basically, there's a countdown that the wearer can set for when she would like to be married by, and a slot to insert an engagement ring. Once the ring is inserted, it plays the traditional "here comes the bride" wedding song. There are also two pockets containing a pen and a seal in order to be able to complete the marriage registration ASAP—I guess in case she's running low on time. Though I'm not sure what happens if the timer reaches zero before the wearer finds a husband.

And those two big detachable hearts are. . . pot holders?

Back from the "Lovezone" (edited--now 50% more sober)

2009-05-17T01:34:00.046+09:00

The relationships, or marriages, that people find themselves locked into for years and sometimes decades, can be really depressing. Although I can't predict the course of my own relationship, I'd like to believe that I've taken the right steps in avoiding a sexless future with a woman in whom I have only a fading interest.

This is a part of our culture that needs some attention. Because we mostly get two images crammed through our eye-sockets from cradle to grave: two people fall in-love, get married, and then the implied happily ever after; the second is a glimpse at a miserably apathetic couple in a dull routine of a marriage.

Both scenarios are equally ludicrous and, worse still, damaging because they promote a passive attitude towards marriage. They give the impression that the only thing you need to do is find a partner and the rest will play itself out. Because marriage is such a natural thing it couldn't possibly require any more effort than talking away the occasional problems. Oh, and misery? That's just a natural part of that union.

The truth is that marriage along with monogamous relationships in general require plenty of effort, flexibility, and a degree of balanced compromise on the part of both partners to an extent that our culture has failed to acknowledge. And without those things, they do not work. And people should not tolerate these kinds of relationships.

We all know that misery is part of life. But if your relationship is causing you to be miserable, changes need to happen. Monogamy is not going to work for everyone, all the time; Missionary-position sex is not going to work for everyone, all the time; Living under the same roof as husband and wife is not always the ideal situation for all married couples. And by adhering to the established relationship conventions, we may be setting ourselves up for problems down the line.

More thought and discussion needs to be put into the arrangements of a partnership. And in order for that to happen, we need the permission from our culture to make these adjustments and still feel like we're living a normal life.

Sex in Japan : Public Displays of Affection : An Anecdote

2009-04-25T00:02:00.016+09:00

I was sitting on the train at the station, waiting anxiously to get home from a long day at work so that I could take a shower and wash away all the crap flung (literal and figurative meanings apply) at me from small children, when I noticed a man and woman saying good bye outside of the train. They looked to be in their mid-thirties and were quite obviously in love.

For anyone living in a place where couples lie on the beach with their tongues down each other's throat, you probably either take these displays of affection for granted or you shield your kids' eyes as you hurry them along towards more G-rated territory. I should point out that while the degrees of difference of public indecency between a kiss goodbye and a make out session on the beach are a matter of opinion, there're both examples of people showing their affection for each other.

Love in Japan is a lot more difficult to spot in public (especially for me because I'm just a stupid foreigner). But it can really affect your general mood and outlook to be surrounded by mostly stone-faced people hurrying to and from work and school. It's not even common to see parents hugging their kids. Which is not to suggest that they don't. They do. They just don't do it in public. Though this really isn't about Japan. It's about me and my recent trip to Australia where I was reminded of what affection looks like—or at least what it looks like to me: People smiling and hugging in public, and, yes, the occasional act that borders on what some would define as sex.

Back in Japan, the woman had now boarded the train. The man stood outside the closing doors across from her, waving and smiling like a giddy 4 year-old. The woman waved and laughed, seeming a little embarrassed by the attention. As the train began to pull away from the station, he ran alongside it, waving to her for as long as he could until he reached the edge of the platform.

Sex in Japan: Love Hotels

2009-03-25T00:49:00.033+09:00

You can't have a discussion on sex in Japan without mentioning love hotels. The Western equivalent to the love hotel would be motels that offer hourly or short-term rates. But while motels are generally sleazy and don't really inspire romance or fantasy—unless of course the thought of having a quickie in a motel room makes you quiver in anticipation of soiled mattresses and rusted bathroom fixtures—love hotels are often made to look lavish, offering a variety of themed rooms, and include large TVs, karaoke, slot machines and video games—things young men can use to get their foot in the door by coaxing young women to just a night of karaoke and video games, while also allowing young women the comfort of feigning sexual innocence.

All rooms have plenty of room props with implied sexual function like pool tables (which you can have sex on top of) or massage chairs (which you can be tied to and have all kind of fun things done to you) or coffee tables (again for sex). Okay, so maybe I'm projecting a little, but it's not difficult to see a love hotel room as a big sexual playground limited only by your ability to take ordinary objects and incorporate them into some perverted fantasy. The items found in the BDSM themed rooms, however, are much less cryptic; with Saint Andrew's Crosses, spanking benches and gynecological straps/chairs (anyone who's ever seen a Japanese porn will understand why) coming standard. Another perk of the love hotel is the option of purchasing sex toys and costumes directly from the room's catalog or vending machine. Lighters that have that hotel's name and logo printed on them can be found in most rooms for you to steal and casually leave lying around your apartment for your friends to see.

Japan's pop culture is also reflected in the themes of certain rooms; Which means Hello Kitty (including a BDSM version) and Disney themed rooms, among others, can be found. Even some of the more taboo subjects see their way into love hotel form, such as rooms modeled after the inside of a train, in order to create a consensual train-groping fantasy; and then there's also this mildly creepy young girl's room:

My first experience going to a love hotel was not a very positive one. My girlfriend and I were in over our heads with our room selection: a dungeon style room complete with BDSM equipment inside of a jail cell. We went all out, like two kids in a candy store, and bought a bunch of toys and one or two costumes, resulting in a scenario with expectations the two of us could not effectively manage. As it turns out, BDSM isn't something you can just, sorta, jump into (even if one of you is dressed in a lycra bustier). To top the night off, I got food poisoning from some food we had afterwards ordered through room service.

Update: Sexually Frustrated

2009-03-22T17:05:00.019+09:00

I wish I could update my blog daily. I wish I had the time. But maintaining a blog like this requires that I'm constantly reading and thinking and talking to people about sex. And while I do one of those things consistently, the other two require more time and planning than I have right now. Especially considering that the small Japanese city I'm living in, at the moment, isn't exactly bursting with sexuality. In fact, the closest thing to affection I see are passed-out business men spooning outside of karaoke after a night of heavy drinking.

I'm actually in the process of switching jobs/relocating to a bigger city, where I might be able to explore more of what Japan is about. The countryside tends to be more conservative (no surprises there), when it comes to sex. Which means sex shops are dark and dirty and relegated to basements under bland, only acceptable when already drunk, love hotels.

So in the mean time, what do I do? As I mentioned earlier, when I'm able to find the time, I read about sex. A great introduction to kink and fantasy role play for couples that I picked-up recently by Violet Blue (author, sex-educator, podcaster, sex columnist, etc.), entitled Fetish Sex: An Erotic Guide for Couples, shown here:

By the way, how sexy is this cover photo? I would have bought this book just for the cover.

She includes descriptions of the more common fetishes, and guidance on how to incorporate these fetishes into your play-time with your partner(s); with lists of props and attire, as well as example scenarios to get you started with your, or your partner's, fantasies. The book is written with the new-to-kink couple in mind, as well as for partners of fetishists who may be in need of some insight on fetish and how to go about introducing it into the relationship.

The book also does a great job of communicating the appeal of certain fetishes to people who otherwise would fail to make the erotic connection, with the aid of fetish-specific erotica between chapters. When the average person on the street hears the words "dog play" I can only imaging what must come to mind if anything. And while reading an erotic short story about it doesn't make it any less silly, it does, at the very least, add some clarity and maybe even make it sound sexy for anyone with an open mind.

So, yeah, check it out. Also, check out Violet Blue's podcast and blog (linked above).

I really need to move

2009-03-15T17:13:00.014+09:00

To a place where women will casually don nurse or doctor uniforms. Where unwilling patients are subject to being restrained like in so many of my fantasies. Not found in any of my fantasies, however, is the combination of sexy nurses and fine dinning found in Hospitalis, a medically-themed restaurant in Riga, the capital of Latvia, which does just that to stunning effect. Combining not only decor and attire, but medical instruments as eating utensils, flasks and stainless steel medical trays as dish-ware, and the potentially disturbing ambiance of straightjacketed "patients" being wheel-chaired through the restaurant.

Although not explicitly kink-oriented, it's likely to attract more than its share of medical fetishists.

Late to the Party: Muzi Mei

2009-03-14T00:21:00.010+09:00

Muzi Mei is a journalist and sex blogger, turned podcaster, turned...I'm not exactly sure since I was unable to find any recent information on her. From Guangzhou, China, she became famous for her explicit retellings of sexual encounters with various partners.

Her blog has been translated into French and published as a book entitled, Journal sexuel d'une jeune Chinoise sur le net ( "The internet sex journal of a young Chinese woman"). It's also been translated into German.

She's even done a 30 minute podcast where she recorded a quickie from start to finish. I'm really interested in listening to this, but I've had no luck finding it as it was recorder 4 years ago. If anyone out there knows where I can find it, let me know!

Interview by Danwei.org

The Good News

2009-03-09T11:18:00.014+09:00

Everyone should masturbate. I could end there without qualifying that, and you could spend the time you would have reading this masturbating instead. But I feel like it might be a bit more convincing if I get into some of the not well known benefits of masturbation, since the list is long and impressive and, wouldn't cha' know it, not really featured in bus ad-space or covered on the evening news. I know, what gives? Right?

I know this must seem pretty obvious for those out there who masturbate all the time: It feels good. What more of an incentive do you need? However, for some women, masturbation might be mostly considered a male pass-time, and something dirty, embarrassing, or shameful to do themselves. We still live in a somewhat sex-negative, masturbation-negative culture that downplays, or sometimes even discourages women to aggressively pursue their own sexual satisfaction—be it with a partner or on their own terms.

The idea that sex has an image problem in our culture is not really something that seems to garner much attention. And while other aspects of gender equality are more openly addressed and discussed, many aspects of sexuality continue to saunter behind in the shadows. The female identity, more-so than the male's, makes it less appropriate or acceptable for women to wear their sexuality on their sleeve the way that men often will. And considering the negativity surrounding female sexuality, there is more at risk for women who do. All this is not to say that male sexuality is at the peak of sexual freedom—eating it's sex cupcakes from the navels of dominatrix mermaids off the coast of hand-job island.

Studies have found sex and general good health to be linked. While in these particular studies it was not clear whether healthier people have more sex, or whether the sex contributed to their overall health, other studies have noted health benefits—for people who engage in sex, either by themselves or with a partner, at least once or twice a week—such as: strengthening of the cardiovascular, endocrine (responsible for the release of hormones) and immune systems; reduced stress; contributes to a more youthful appearance; longer life span; increased blood flow to the organs promoting fresh oxygen and the production hormones, such as estrogen and testosterone, while removing toxins; orgasm reduces LDL cholesterol (the bad kind); etc.. For men specifically, it reduces the risk of prostate cancer. For women, it maintains vaginal elasticity and lubricity. And these are just the physiological benefits.

A big part of masturbation is learning how you function sexually so you can communicate this to a partner later on. It's an opportunity to be alone and fantasize about pirates, or your attractive pharmacist, or just plain old vanilla anal sex—whatever might pop into your head and make you run to the nearest public washroom for some alone-time. You can't really expect to have great sex without being aware of the key components (yours and your partners'). Meaning, how you like being touched and what sort of fantasies turn you on. Masturbating together is a good way to accomplish part of that (talking would be the way to accomplish the other part).

So ultimately, masturbation improves health; your sex life, and by extension, your relationship or your marriage; your mood, which means you smile more and you're kinder to the people you cross paths with each day. So I think it's not so outlandish to conclude that if everyone masturbated, the world would be a better place. So now you have no more excuses.

Welcome to Monogamy

2009-03-04T17:14:00.013+09:00

In a long-term monogamous relationship, those warm and fuzzy feelings of passionate, infatuated, hot n' heavy love that cause some to build small shrines in adoration of their significant other in their broom closets, will gradually meet their inevitable decline. The chemicals responsible for those wonderful feelings (dopamine, norepinephrine, phenylethylamine, etc.) will begin to dwindle at the 2 to 3 year mark; the fireworks, the sparks, the eternal flames of love and all other cliched imagery used to describe passion will no longer be a part of your moody internet love poetry. Routine will set in. Followed by untidiness of your apartment and bodily hair. You'll refuse to replace dead light bulbs, and take comfort in the darkness that accompanies nightfall.

That could happen. And it often does. Too often. And the sad thing is that this is actually expected of long term commitments to some extent. And while it is normal for a relationship to have its highs and lows, the highs should be the bulk of your time together. Otherwise, why are you together? To be miserable 75% of the time? As an aside, do yourself a favour and do not bring kids into this kind of relationship. Kids learn about love and marriage from their parents and you don't want to damage it for them with your silent resentment for each other. Also it makes backing out more difficult once kids enter the picture. First, learn to manage affection over a reasonable period of time, then, if you want, have the kids.

It's not all pessimism and despondency though. My intent was to tell you that a satisfying long term commitment along side a satisfying long term sex life with one person is possible but it takes much more effort and consideration than our culture has been willing to acknowledge. What's important to understand is that men and women are very different when it comes to sex (if you're gay, then you can probably get away with skipping this paragraph.) Men get horny and want sex, while women tend to begin having sex then feel horny during; Men are generally more visual than women when it comes to arousal; Different sexual response cycles, different sexual peaks, different cultural expectations, different anatomy, blah blah blah, etc., etc. And those are just general gender differences.

Now we can begin to talk about all the kinks, hang-ups, insecurities and flavours that individuals, regardless of gender, bring to a relationship. So how can two people possibly juggle all these differences into a functioning relationship? Well, if it's not already abundantly clear from every other sex advice resource out there, you have to communicate for starters. That means if you keep going to your friends with things like: "My boyfriend does this. I don't like this. What should I do about this?" How about you talk to him about it. And if you're a friend, refuse to have these conversations, until your friend goes to his/her partner with these problems. Secondly, realizing that there are two people involved in a relationship and if one person has an issue with something, then you both need to deal with it together. Next, and I would argue most important, keep your sex-life alive. That means, don't stop flirting, share fantasies, experiment sexually, wear the police officer or French maid costume, keep each other satisfied. Because unless you have an open relationship, you are now solely responsible for your partner's sexual needs, and you'd better believe that those needs are indeed valid.

If you haven't done so in college already, there's no better time to really explore the dark and dirty subconscious with a long term partner. You already have the intimacy and trust thing going. And you really have too much time together to not say "yes" to anything your partner might suggest; within reason of course (e.g. "Yes" to role-play, "yes" to BDSM, "no" to farm animals.) At the very least you'll be keeping your partner happy and strengthening your relationship. You may even unearth your inner sadist, or furry, or a new found appreciation for kitchen utensils in the process.

Update

2009-02-23T01:29:00.001+09:00

Hi, I'm hoping I can get around to making weekly contributions to the blog. I have a lot of topics lined up, I just need to find the time to sit down and develop them. This passed week I was especially busy with work. In the mean time, please leave a comment and participate in the poll. If you have any questions or suggestions please feel free to send me an email.

Thanks!

Birds and Bees

2009-02-17T13:43:00.004+09:00

As children, we wander around our houses and backyards tasting anything small enough to fit inside our mouths; watch loads of TV; talk to adults, other kids and inanimate objects; and constantly make all kinds of observations and form ideas about the world around us in the process. We go to school and learn about how night is a result of the earth's rotation around the sun, but much of what we perceive and internalize goes without any explanation and instead finds a comfortable spot in the back of our minds, and is referenced for reactions, value judgements, and so on.

Part of maturing is, or at least should be, sorting through all these ideas you acquire growing up, the ones that sit in the back of your mind, and getting rid of those which you can no longer critically defend. When you get down to doing this, it's amazing how much sociocultural garbage exists in the deep, dark recesses of your brain. All these acquired ideas and perceptions based on limited experiences, and unchallenged reasoning can have an effect on everything from how you approach people, relationships, sex, and your boyfriend when he casually suggests one night "Hey. Why don't we try some train conductor role-play." You may laugh, and perhaps the two of you should both laugh. But what would you do if confronted with such a request? Does it fall short of your definition of what "sex" entails? Are you someone who thinks penis-in-vagina intercourse is the icing on the proverbial sex cupcake?

These moments will even challenge the now fashionable "liberal when it comes to sex" mantra adopted by the progressive young adults, often followed with "but..." And although I can't say that I've ever heard of anyone who gets off on fantasizing about train conductors, I can say with absolute certainty that there is someone out there who does. Maybe even someone I know. That person may feel ashamed, or embarrassed, or worse yet, contemplating seeing a therapist. This is not the sex they saw on TV, the sex described in magazines or talked about by classmates. But how they should feel is proud that they have a sexual quirk that could lend itself for some interesting, potentially silly, sex–beyond the conventional (i.e. boring) definitions of the act. And it is completely silly. But while things like dressing up in latex versions of daily professional attire for sexual role-play, or tying up your boyfriend and spanking him with a spatula are silly, trying to normalize sex into categories of genital friction is even more silly. Especially considering humanity's penchant for imagination and creativity in almost every other facet of our daily lives.

Depending on where, when and whether you grew up as a man, woman or anything in between, you will have limitations on how you view sex and relationships. The problems come in when some, if not most, of these limitations have no good reason to exist. It's these out-of-date definitions that make our lives more about contemplating whether we fall into the incredibly narrow scope of normality rather than indulging in our quirks and enjoying what it is that makes us come (with consent being the condition).