Welcome to Monogamy

In a long-term monogamous relationship, those warm and fuzzy feelings of passionate, infatuated, hot n' heavy love that cause some to build small shrines in adoration of their significant other in their broom closets, will gradually meet their inevitable decline. The chemicals responsible for those wonderful feelings (dopamine, norepinephrine, phenylethylamine, etc.) will begin to dwindle at the 2 to 3 year mark; the fireworks, the sparks, the eternal flames of love and all other cliched imagery used to describe passion will no longer be a part of your moody internet love poetry. Routine will set in. Followed by untidiness of your apartment and bodily hair. You'll refuse to replace dead light bulbs, and take comfort in the darkness that accompanies nightfall.

That could happen. And it often does. Too often. And the sad thing is that this is actually expected of long term commitments to some extent. And while it is normal for a relationship to have its highs and lows, the highs should be the bulk of your time together. Otherwise, why are you together? To be miserable 75% of the time? As an aside, do yourself a favour and do not bring kids into this kind of relationship. Kids learn about love and marriage from their parents and you don't want to damage it for them with your silent resentment for each other. Also it makes backing out more difficult once kids enter the picture. First, learn to manage affection over a reasonable period of time, then, if you want, have the kids.

It's not all pessimism and despondency though. My intent was to tell you that a satisfying long term commitment along side a satisfying long term sex life with one person is possible but it takes much more effort and consideration than our culture has been willing to acknowledge. What's important to understand is that men and women are very different when it comes to sex (if you're gay, then you can probably get away with skipping this paragraph.) Men get horny and want sex, while women tend to begin having sex then feel horny during; Men are generally more visual than women when it comes to arousal; Different sexual response cycles, different sexual peaks, different cultural expectations, different anatomy, blah blah blah, etc., etc. And those are just general gender differences.

Now we can begin to talk about all the kinks, hang-ups, insecurities and flavours that individuals, regardless of gender, bring to a relationship. So how can two people possibly juggle all these differences into a functioning relationship? Well, if it's not already abundantly clear from every other sex advice resource out there, you have to communicate for starters. That means if you keep going to your friends with things like: "My boyfriend does this. I don't like this. What should I do about this?" How about you talk to him about it. And if you're a friend, refuse to have these conversations, until your friend goes to his/her partner with these problems. Secondly, realizing that there are two people involved in a relationship and if one person has an issue with something, then you both need to deal with it together. Next, and I would argue most important, keep your sex-life alive. That means, don't stop flirting, share fantasies, experiment sexually, wear the police officer or French maid costume, keep each other satisfied. Because unless you have an open relationship, you are now solely responsible for your partner's sexual needs, and you'd better believe that those needs are indeed valid.

If you haven't done so in college already, there's no better time to really explore the dark and dirty subconscious with a long term partner. You already have the intimacy and trust thing going. And you really have too much time together to not say "yes" to anything your partner might suggest; within reason of course (e.g. "Yes" to role-play, "yes" to BDSM, "no" to farm animals.) At the very least you'll be keeping your partner happy and strengthening your relationship. You may even unearth your inner sadist, or furry, or a new found appreciation for kitchen utensils in the process.